By Ham
In the days of Yore, there was a small group of Calgary based individuals
who lived amongst the countryside of Calgary and watched in fear, year after
year, the rednecks of the Calgary Stampede strut their stuff. Oh yes, once a
year, boys and men alike would travel far and wide to participate in the
festivities of the Stampede. They would buff their cowboy boots, shine their
belt buckles and wear their cowboy hats proudly, all to the chagrin of these
poorly individuals (we will call them Cashe, Ham, Chow, and Chico to protect
their identity from here on in). Although the rednecks with their
shit kickers, and ridiculous hats were tolerated (with the help of alcohol),
there was one thing that the rednecks wore that maddened the Calgary boys
more than any other thing.....their Moustaches!!! The staches were all
colors of the rainbow; some being piss blonde, others sporting a repulsive
crusty red, while still others could be described as nothing less than a
greasy shit black. These menaces needed to be dealt with, or at very least
shown how fucking retarded they actually looked. Hence there came a point,
where Cashe, Ham, Chow and Chico could sit quiet no longer and needed to
make a stance.......Stachepede!
The first Saturday of Stampede was designated as "Stachepede." Cashe, Ham,
Chow and Chico decided to grow the biggest, ugliest, hairiest Staches that
the rednecks could feast their eyes on. Someone once said that imitation is
the best form of flattery. I say, whoever said that can suck my ass. The
nature of Stachepede is to bring out the Staches in each of us. It is a
conglomerate of individuals who wish to show the world how we feel about
hair above the lip, (stampede or otherwise), even if it means sacrificing
our own dignity for one night. All who wish to join our ranks are welcome,
providing that they are willing (and able) to grow a Stache. Stachepede
continues to grow over the years, from accepting exclusive premiere members
such as P.G. in year 2 to a small army (with too many applicants to mention)
into and including year 6. Stachepede has developed into a cult following
with strict measures to which obedience to the Stache is mandatory.
Stachepede is not for the weary or faint of heart and any fraudulent or half
ass last minute attempts will not be tolerated. Staches are like hair shirts
worn as a penance. Staches are like a crown of thorns! Who will endure these
hardships? Stachepede and all participants must submit themselves to the
trials and tribulations that come with growing one prior to the first Saturday of Stampede.
Of course goatee's, beards etc are all well within regulations prior to
Stachepede, but make no mistake, any hair that falls below the sides of the
mouth will result in instant disqualification. Stachepede of course does not
come without reward!! To the winner of each Stache category comes wealth
beyond his wild imagination and more importantly the prestige of winning the
covenant Stachepede. The first Saturday of Stampede is "Stachepede".....Come bring
your stache, and perhaps YOU can be the next Stachepede champion!!! Good
Luck and God Bless.